*click*

Officer Johnson: “Interview with Dan Hopper started ten forty five AM. Present, Officer Stuart Johnson and Officer Mike Reilly. So, Mr Hopper, why don’t you just start at the beginning and go from there.”

Dan Hopper:: “Look. I’ve already told the other officer what happened, 3 times now, why won’t you just fucking listen to what I’m saying?”

SJ: “Mr Hopper, I don’t want to have to tell you again to calm down, other wise we’ll just have to stop the tape and start again.”

DH: “Ok. Ok. I’m calm. I’m calm”

SJ: “Dan just take it easy and tell us what happened. You got up at seven forty five as normal, and then what?”

DH: “I got up at seven forty five, got in the shower as normal, made myself some coffee as normal and got dressed into what I’m wearing, as normal, minus the blood of course.”

SJ: “For the benefit of the tape Mr Hopper is referring to the large bloodstain on his suit that runs from neck to groin.”

DH: “You’ve still got to tell me who is gonna pay for the dry cleaning, provided there are any dry cleaners left.”

SJ:” Just stick to the point please Mr Hopper.”

DH: “Ok. I got dressed into this suit and put on the TV. I had some Cheerios, drank my coffee, and made some comment to myself about what I was seeing on TV about Iraq.”

SJ: “So you live alone.”

DH: “Yup.”

SJ:  “So then what happened.”

DH: “So then I danced a fucking fandango, I’ve fucking TOLD you what happened. The city is full of fucking Zombies and you guys care more about my fucking Cheerios than the fact that the city is being munched up by the bastard undead. Are you guys for fucking REAL!”

SJ: “Dan, you better just calm the fuck down right now. Otherwise I’ll put you back in the cell, and we’ll do this all over again in an hours time. Just like last time..”

DH: “ Ok. Ok I’m cool. Cool as fuck boss, cools as fuck.”

SJ: “Good. Right so you left your house at?”

DH: “Eight thirty.”

SJ: “You sure?”

DH: “Same every day. Eight thirty on the dot. It takes me twenty minutes to get to work.”

SJ: “So what happened then.”

DH: “I walked down 5th then took a left by the subway, just the same as everyday.”

SJ: “But it wasn’t the same Dan was it.”

DH: “ Yeah course it was I see Zombies every day you idiot.”

SJ: “Just stick to the facts Dan.”

DH: “I turned onto Main and there they were.”

SJ: “What are ‘They’ Dan?”

DH: “Zombies, the Undead, voodoo people, dead people walking around. Can I say it any clearers than that.”

SJ: “How, erm, how did you know they were undead?”

DH: “Oh I don’t know, maybe the fact they were covered in blood, dressed in rags and going oooooooooh a lot. Mind you they could have been Police I suppose, about the same intelligence I reckon.”

SJ: “Now Dan, we’re only trying to help, no need for sarcasm.”

DH: “How the fuck are you helping? Huh? The city is full of Zombies straight outta Day of the Dead or that World War Z and I’m sitting here describing what they look like. Why don’t you just wait a bit, you’ll soon see what they look like up close.”

SJ: “Is that a threat Mr Hopper?”

DH: “No………..just an observation.”

SJ: “So are you a fan?”

DH: “Huh?”

SJ: “Of Zombie films, books, games, that sorta thing.”

DH: “Whats that gotta do with anything?”

SJ: “Just answer the question.”

DH: “I suppose so. I like the George Romero stuff, saw the remake of Dawn of the Dead at the movies. No more than anyone else. I didn’t make this shit up, it fucking happened you guys were there. You musta been to have picked me up?”

SJ: “Ok Dan we were there. Just concentrate on what happened next.”

DH: “So I just stand there stunned for a second. There’s a few hundred just walking down the street moaning and shuffling along.  They got blood dripping from them, just like in the films. I just stood there. Then I see someone on the other side of the street, on the other side of the zombies, just as a load of these…these things leap on him. Its weird you know but this guy is just like laughing as they are ripping into him. There’s blood everywhere and this guys just screaming like he’s being tickled, fucking weird man. So I take stock a bit and I see, like a crowbar just lying up against the wall in this alley, so I grab it. I mean I’m thinking I’m gonna help this guy or just defend myself. I don’t know what I was thinking to be honest………..you got a smoke officer?”

SJ: “ I don’t no. I gave up.”

Mike Reilly: “I got one. There you go. You got the shakes there Dan.”

DH; “Thanks man (pfft) yeah I don’t feel too good now.”

SJ: “ I know its difficult Dan but you are going into shock. Just tell us what happened and we’ll get you some food and a coffee, yeah?”

DH: “Ok thanks……….So one of these things sees me and comes shuffling towards me followed by a few more, and in his hand he’s got something. I dunno it looked like a liver or a bag with something in it, I dunno.”

SJ: “A bag? What? With blood in it?”

DH: “I’m not sure, it looked like a liver or something but it coulda just been blood yeah.”

SJ: “So this guy, erm, this things walking toward you and then what happened.”

DH: “I just hit it over the head with the crowbar, just caved it in man and it just dropped, so to be sure I just hit it again and there’s blood and some other stuff, white stuff, all over the floor, and he’s just twitching like I the films, you know? So they come running at me and I can hear screaming and shouting and I figure they got someone else and my legs are jelly so I just hit out again and drop another one, and they are grabbing at me and I’m screaming and I can hear sirens and people screaming and I manage to wriggle free and smash another one and it falls over clutching its eye which is hanging out its socket, and there blood everywhere and they are trying to hold me down and I think ‘this is it’ and I drop the crowbar and then I see a policeman and realise he’s pointing a taser at me………..and I think I’m dead……….I’m gonna be sick.”

MR: “Whoa there Dan, aim for the bin! The bin! Oh shit.”

SJ: “You ok now Dan?”

DH: “Yeah………..no…….”

MR: “Aw man, at least try to get it in the bin Danny.”

DH: “Sorry man, I’ll clean it up.”

SJ: “Dan its ok. We got people to do that. Mike give him another cigarette.”

MR: “Here you go.”

DH: “Thanks man its appreciated. (pffft)”

SJ: “So the next thing you know you wake up in a cell here?”

DH: “Yeah man, but they’re out there. Fucking hundreds of them. You got to do something officer. You gotta stop them. Someones gotta stop them.”

SJ: “You see Dan that’s where we got a problem. For the tape, I am showing Mr Hopper the flyers for this mornings ‘Zombie Walk’”

DH: “What? What the fucks this? Zombie Walk? What the fucks a Zombie Walk? For charity? Oh…….. Oh shit man……. Oh no…… I think I’m gonna throw up again!”

MR: “Use the bin Dan for fucks………oh never mind.”

*click*

Bio: I am Pirate Pete Bevan, I live in Worcester in the UK with my wife Bev and My 1yr old daughter Isla,, and this is my worst nightmare.