June 30th

It was the scent that caught me off guard. My eyes took in the faded nightgown, the pink bunny slippers, the frazzled hair in its quaint bonnet. Shades of pastel, like a bag of candy-coated chocolate eggs. Evocative of spring, you’d think, except that her skin was withered, gnarled, perhaps… crumbly to the touch? Eyes staring, lidless. Mouth yawning open, lips peeling and curled back to reveal jutting yellow teeth. And still, still I was determined to love her.

“I’m here at last, darling.”

That’s what I whispered, when I moved closer, encroaching into her space, eyeing the dusty seat on the couch, just for me.

I had wanted to kiss her. I’d psyched myself up for this moment, pulled myself right there, to the edge of want, but lost my nerve. It was the smell. I couldn’t stand it.

Used, old tampons. Milk hardened beyond curdles. Carrots liquefied into a black swamp. An old bum’s piss mixed with mildewed shower curtains. Sewage, graveyard dirt, and the vomit of a cannibal.

I ran.

July 2nd

I’m afraid I won’t see her again. I know she’s not going to leave me. But I didn’t have the courage to come back there.

July 3rd

I had a bad dream. I dreamed that I had wandered a long, long time in a world filled with mannequins. Then I saw the house. The big brown house, with its broken windows and scratchy blue painted door. Everything was just as I had left it. I walked into the hallway and gazed at pale squares on the wallpaper where portraits and paintings used to be. I turned into the livingroom, expecting to see her on the couch but… only her clothes were left. She had crumbled to absolute nothingness. I could not even find enough of her to kiss or to fill my pockets with. Her nightgown had turned grey. I pressed it to my tear-streaked face and it disintegrated in my hands.

I woke up as I was burning the house down.

I woke up laughing, my face wet with angry tears.

July 5th

I spent all day yesterday wandering in the bones of a skyscraper. An old office building had fallen on its side, but somehow had managed to keep large chunks of it intact. I was filled with an exhilaration like my first college party, so recklessly drunk, browsing through the awaiting catastrophes of young, needy, lean things that held hungry mouths and underwear that couldn’t stay on even if they tried—which they didn’t.

Every room was on its side. I had to climb through doorways and over mountains of desks and cubicles that had just piled up against the wall-turned-floor. Scavenged food out of three turned over vending machines. It felt good to use my axe again. It felt good to sink my teeth into a chocolate bar, and upend an entire bag of chips into my mouth. I savored the Pepsi. I sipped it slowly like it was champagne. It filled me with a glorious feeling. For awhile, I forgot about the fact that I’d only eaten cockroaches for the last week.

Couldn’t find anyone in the building. Not even bones. Nothing in it works. No electricity. I built a fort in a secure part of it, and made a fire to keep me warm for the night. I slept hugging all the food.

July 6th

Suffered terrible runs. Not used to all this processed sugar and chemicals. Probably the chips had gone bad. I will not stop drinking the Pepsi. I shake it up, and it has bubbles, and the bubbles make me happy.

July 7th

I had a bad day. I cried and I screamed and I wandered out of the skyscraper and hacked up telephone poles. I tried to talk to a fire hydrant, but my words sounded barbaric and so loud in my ears that I clamped my mouth shut and almost bit off my tongue.

I miss her.

July 9th

I came back to find her. She was still there. The smell meant nothing to me now. I apologized. I whispered, and my mouth-words didn’t sound so horrible. They sounded lovely and thick and sweet like honey. I hoped they did to her. I whispered about all the things I’ve done, the sexy, tawdry, dirty things. I wanted to do them with her. But it was okay, I told her we could just cuddle. Because there was no one else in the world I could be with except her. We didn’t have to rush.

We had time.